I am excited to announce that recently I went to a diet and have dropped twenty-five pounds (accurate ). I didn’t comply with any of those silly fad weight reduction schemes like the Mediterranean or Adkins or Weight Watchers or even serious programs like the Only Eat CakeDiet (not certain how one works). It is really a routine of my own invention. I call it The Happiness Diet. And it’s incredibly simple since it requires only two steps.
Measure One: Write down all the foods that provide you happiness. (Take your own time. Be thorough.)
Measure Two: Do not consume anything on that list.
That’s it. No other restrictions. If you observe my Happiness Diet exactly as summarized above, you’ll get rid of a great deal of unwanted weight (and any motive for living) — guaranteed!
Let us practice how it works, okay? Let us say there are two food groups. In Group A we’ve got a slice of pepperoni pizza, cookie dough ice cream, a bag of Pepperidge farm biscuits, plus a glazed donut. In Group B we have broccoli, kale, lentil and carrots.
If you decided that Food Group A gives you more happiness, congratulations. You are a regular, honorable human being. But if you suggested that you prefer the items from Group B, then you’re — how can I say that? A BIG FAT LIAR! Get off your high horse. Who else are you lying to? Your spouse? Your kids? You disgust me.
Here is the major takeaway for my Happiness Diet. You need to just avoid all foods that provide you any fun — unless you are training to be a Sumo wrestler. Then by all means, have another custom of Double Stuff Oreos. Or, if you are the lead in a theater production about President William Howard Taft, who tipped the scales in 350 lbs., and for all whom had been constructed the greatest ceramic tub created for an individual, then sure, you have my permission to strike at the nearest Dairy Queen for breakfast.
For the remainder of us, the trick to losing weight is easy as pie (figuratively speaking): prevent eye contact with some other food which induces salivation. I have not seen a Snickers bar or a Pop Tart in months, though my blindfold is becoming a bit ragged (last week I caught a glimpse of Doritos through a small rip and almost careened into a young mother with my shopping cart).
I have already been doing this diet for the last four months. The shift in my body shape has been dramatic. Oh sure, I start most mornings yelling, but that is a small price to pay to have the ability to see past my belly to my feet again. I’ll only need to stick to the program for a relatively short period, by which I mean the remainder of my lifetime, and that in geologic conditions is, as I mentioned, a rather short time.
Just like any diet, your own willpower will falter occasionally. But this will happen only during periods of consciousness. If your work schedule is flexible, think about sleeping 24 hours each day. Then enjoy your REM dreams of large bottles of Mountain Dew cascading down hills of Cheddar Popcorn directly in your mouth these indulgences, as real as they appear, are calorie-free!
There are a few minor side effects into The Happiness Diet: intense unfulfillable longings, crankiness, loss of buddies fed up with your whining about the trials of life with no chocolate cake, and possible heart failure within the shock of just how much weight you have dropped (for which I am legally not liable).
In my rigorously authenticated diet, then you want to drink a great deal of water a single day. Let us face it. Water is dull and tasteless, sort of similar to my middle school mathematics teacher, Mr. Olcottsaid Originally, I wondered if I’d ever enjoy drinking water. Turns out, four months later, I find water remarkably unsatisfying. But drinking it makes me very miserable, so I know that it’s working! Do not worry — I am currently working with a group of confirmed scientists who are working round the clock to resolve this drinking problem.
Sooner or later, either when you’ve reached your weight loss target, or you end up passing out each time you stand out, you’ll decide that it’s time to complete this fool-hardiness diet. Some people reach this decision within just 48 hours of beginning my diet program.
As amazing as my Happiness Diet has been for meI would wrap it up a little early. That’s because last night, I watched this extraordinary 30-minute infomercial at 3am when I got out of bed for the fourth time to pee. It is for a new miracle pill that claims to burn off 500 calories a hour while you sleep. Supposedly it is so effective they suggest after the first week to start dramatically upping your consumption of refined sugar and empty carbohydrates, otherwise, you’ll lose an excessive amount of weight.
They advocate taking two tablets an hour during the day (but just a hour when you are sleeping) coupled with a balanced breakfast of donuts and whatever in Cinnabon, followed with a moderate lunch of cheeseburgers, completing having a healthful dinner of pizza, fries and ice cream.
They briefly mentioned possible side effects like it might cause irreversible brain damage and severe acne and something about the way in which the pill has only been tested to rhesus monkeys in warmth. I can not wait to try it. Now that is a diet which will really make me happy!
For more of my comedy proceed HERE.
Check out Tim Jones’ latest comedy book: YOU’RE GROUNDED FOR LIFE: Misguided Parenting Plans That Sounded Good at the Time
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